Shotton and Briggs. It does, says one half of the notorious partnership, sound like a firm of High Street solicitors.
'Personal injury specialists?' Sportsmail suggests. The macabre humour is not lost on the knowing grin of Malcolm Shotton, Oxford United's League Cup-winning captain who, alongside Gary Briggs, formed the most feared centre-back pairing of the 1980s.
Talk to any player of that generation and they have a story — and, invariably, a scar — from a foreboding venture to the Manor Ground, where Shotton and Briggs not only intimidated but would readily inflict injury, should the want arise.
'We put the frighteners up players and won a lot of battles simply because of our reputation,' says Shotton. 'Although, we could certainly back it up.
'We'd frighten them in the tunnel. You'd kick off and wonder, "Where's the centre-forward? Ah there he is, on the wing!". Any chance to leave your mark, you took it. And that left you in good stead, not just for that game, but the next one too.
'Remember, we had Billy Whitehurst up front as well, and you just didn't know what would happen with him. His second touch was always a tackle and that was intentional. We won a lot of games before a ball had been kicked.'
Even the toughest opponents still wear battle scars from three decades ago. Upon telling John Anderson I was meeting Shotton, the former Newcastle and Ireland defender — no shrinking violet — traced the point behind his ear where the surgeon had entered to repair a shattered cheekbone. The cause? Shotton's fist.
And those are monstrous palms. His handshake serves as a welcome and a warning. You soon realise, however, that Shotton is neither lout nor troublemaker.
The 62-year-old Geordie sits here now in his rural South Yorkshire home a contented grandfather and dog lover, an intelligent talker who went on to manage Oxford.
Rather, his brutality was confined to the pitch. 'My missus hates the reputation! She'd rather I was remembered as a footballer, not a thug. But I was good at what I did. There was genuine fear.'
Was he, then, hard but fair?
'Hard, yes. Fair, no,' he concedes. Paul Gascoigne wrote in his book of 'bricking it' before a game at Oxford and subsequently got his nose broken after Shotton had already punched Peter Beardsley on the chin.
'Did I?' says the accused. 'He must have fallen under my hand… but good players like that, you had to nullify them in any way you could.'
Shotton rarely sees Briggs these days. Their wives keep in touch via Christmas cards but Sportsmail's attempt to make contact yields no reply. Yet the bond between the two — unlike the bones of their opponents — is, says Shotton, unbreakable.
'We looked after each other. If he was in a scrap and had been booked, I'd make sure it was me who gave them the next one. We played over 300 games together and I loved every one, so we knew how to get the best out of each other.
'I remember playing Newcastle in the League Cup and I'd told him, "Keegan, he's taking the p*** out of you". In the replay Briggsy straight-armed Kevin and was sent off. You're thinking, "Oh God, he's broken his neck". All Briggsy thought was, "He'll never take the p*** out of me again, will he?".
'But that was him, a silent assassin. He had a head like a concrete block. So if he headed the ball, great, if he didn't then the striker would know about it — they'd just let him win it after that.'
Shotton points to his nose, a little bent and evidently once busted. 'It was Briggsy who did this. We clashed going for the same ball. He shattered it. The surgeon had to rebuild it. It was like running into a wall. I suddenly knew how our opponents must have felt, or at least I did when I came round three days later.'
Oxford spent three seasons in the top flight after successive promotions from the third tier and were Milk Cup winners in 1986, beating Queens Park Rangers 3-0 at Wembley in front of 90,000 supporters.
Trevor Hebberd, Ray Houghton and Jeremy Charles were the scorers. 'We were that comfortable me and Briggsy didn't even have to kick anyone!'
After a joyous embrace with controversial Oxford owner Robert Maxwell, Shotton collected the trophy wearing a wacky yellow cap with two blue horns.
'It was handed to me by a reporter I knew so I just put it on… Oxford have been selling replicas of it ever since — I wish I had some of the royalties! We tried to get Maxwell in the bath afterwards, but he was impossible to lift. Happy times, though. That period will forever rank as the most successful in the club's history.'
They are, though, enjoying a fine season in League One and entertain Manchester City in the League Cup quarter-final on Wednesday.
It will be the first home game since last week's passing of Jim Smith at the age of 79. The Bald Eagle was the man who masterminded Oxford's rise to the First Division but, after a fallout with Maxwell, he left for QPR in 1985.
'A great man and manager,' says Shotton. 'Of all the teams to face in the final it was QPR. Maurice Evans had taken over but it was Smithy's team, tactics and philosophy — yet he was in the opposition dugout! But Jim was the first into our dressing room to congratulate us. A huge character.
'I remember the bus leaving without him at Doncaster while he was having a drink in the players' lounge. He was furious, yet ended up fining himself and putting it in the pot for some beers!'
In the office of Shotton's home is the muddied shirt from the cup final. There is also, curiously, a signed England jersey.
'Graham Taylor asked me to play in a practice match before a World Cup qualifier,' he explains. 'I was well into my 30s so it was just to help out. The thing is, I'd been playing football in the garage with my little boy, kicked the concrete floor and had broken my toe.
'But I wasn't missing this. I was taking painkillers like Smarties. I played alongside Des Walker. He said, "You take the man, anything over the top, I'll deal with". And it worked, we were brilliant. He was lightning. I could have played on another 20 years with Des!'
Shotton and Walker? Now that sounds far too nice.