No Haaland? Arsenal would be champions and let’s get Man Utd in here somehow

Let's just take away the goals of Erling Haaland that Manchester City would absolutely not replace and Manchester United would be humiliated. Or something.

The Crooks of the matter

Somebody please tell Garth Crooks of the BBC that his beloved Liverpool have already been ruled out of the Jude Bellingham race and that he has agreed to join Real Madrid…

'Liverpool on the other hand find themselves on a roll and breathing down the necks of Manchester United, desperately looking at that fourth place and a Champions League spot. If Liverpool can achieve that then the likes of Jude Bellingham and Declan Rice suddenly become affordable.'

Nope. No they don't.

Somebody also needs to tell him that sixth place gets a Europa League spot…

'Brighton now go above Tottenham with two games in hand and are favourites to land a place in the Europa Conference League.'

Nope. They are favourites to finish sixth and get in the Europa League, Garth.

And somebody really needs to tell him that Patrick Vieira was not even playing Eberechi Eze for Crystal Palace…

'His second goal was a peach equalled only by the pass provided for him by Michael Olise. The way these two super youngsters are emerging at Palace is impressive. All they need now is a young manager to help them develop. Oh yes – they had one of them and decided to get rid of him.'

They got rid of him and got rather a lot better, Garth. Let it go. This is not the first time.

And somebody really needs to tell him that Frank Lampard really is done at Chelsea…

'The appointment of Mauricio Pochettino as the new Chelsea boss next season suggests life for Frank Lampard at Stamford Bridge is, once again, over. That doesn't mean if Pochettino's time at Chelsea is an unmitigated disaster they can't haul Lampard back for a third time to hold the fort, such is the barmy nature of professional football these days.'

'Hold the fort'? Hold the sodding fort? The fort has long since been reduced to ruins, fella.

Haal or mostly nothing

But mostly Mediawatch is amused by Garth Crooks' argument against Erling Haaland – scorer of a ridiculous number of goals this season – being named the football writers' player of the year.

Now we know such things are subjective but anybody suggesting any player other than Haaland this season is demanding serious scrutiny.

'The football writers doffed their caps to Erling Haaland by honouring him with their award as footballer of the year for his heroic efforts for Manchester City this season. I must say it was somewhat predictable – I would have liked IIkay Gundogan to have won it.'

Now Gundogan has had another excellent season but footballer of the year? Really?

'The Germany midfielder has been sensational this season and it would have been fitting, having played his 300th game for the club, won numerous titles, and now on the verge of a historic Treble, to have received the accolade.'

Pretty sure the award is given for the Footballer of the Year, Garth, not the footballer of the last seven years.

'Ever since the likes of Sir Stanley Matthews, Sir Tom Finney and Bobby Moore received the trophy all those years ago, the award signifies much more than the contribution a player makes in a season. It's about respect and above all leadership.'

It's not though, is it? Mo Salah has not received it twice because he is a leader. And we're damned sure that the 22-year-old Gareth Bale was not seen as a leader in 2013. It's literally an award for the best player of the year – with the possible exception of Jordan Henderson in recent seasons – and it's hard to argue that's not Haaland in 2022/23.

'I also find it extraordinary Kevin de Bruyne has never won the trophy either. Arguably the best footballer on the planet has never won the Football Writers' Footballer of the Year award?'

And neither did Ryan Giggs or Paul Scholes. It's almost like it's just an accolade to reward the best footballer of that particular year and not a life-time achievement award.

What if it was Haal taken away?

Perhaps Crooks would change his mind on Haaland if he saw the absolute belter of clickbait sh*te that is the Mirror's 'Premier League table without Erling Haaland goals as Arsenal benefit and Man Utd humiliated'.

Because of course Manchester City would not play another footballer were Haaland to be spirited away; they would just kiss goodbye to the 36 Premier League goals and stumble on with ten players.

'Erling Haaland's incredible influence on the Premier League this season has been laid bare by a table calculated without his goals.'

Mediawatch cannot help thinking that it was laid bare by his 36 Premier League goals and the fact that Manchester City are about to win the Premier League title.

'But without his goals – in a table calculated by NJ.bet – Pep Guardiola's men would currently be up against it just to finish in the top four this season, let alone champions. Arsenal meanwhile, would already be celebrating on the streets of North London, an unassailable 13 points clear in first place.'

Hmmm. Mediawatch kind of remembers last season when there was no Haaland and Manchester City still won the title. Indeed, they have done that in four of the last five seasons. Actually, there have been a lot of 'Premier League tables without Erling Haaland goals' and most of them have City right at the top.

But how does all this somehow 'humiliate' Manchester United, which was an essential bit of SEO crowbarring?

'Newcastle would lie second on 68 points, one point clear of Manchester United in third. Liverpool would be five points further back on 62, one point ahead of City in fifth place.

'The table does outline a humiliating stat for the Red Devils though. Even without Haaland netting 36 times, City would still have out-scored Manchester rivals United with 56 goals from the rest of their squad, with United's tally of 51 falling short. In fact, the Citizens would still be the sixth highest scorers in the league.'

They must be absolutely devastated. Some might think that Erik ten Hag has done a decent job for Manchester United this season, but then you find out that if you took the goals of the best striker on the planet away from the best team on the planet and curiously did not replace them, United would have still scored fewer goals. Will they ever recover from that blow?

Just wait until they work out that Chelsea have actually scored exactly the same number of Premier League goals as Haaland.

The Daily Star go one further and ask the question: 'Have you ever wondered how the season might've played out if he hadn't decided to join City from Borussia Dortmund last summer?'

Yes, but you're not providing the answer with this shite.